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Arnocorps Rank Their Top 12 Ballsiest Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies

Every (suitable) Arnie movie ranked in order of “ballsiness”, according to Schwarzenegger aficionados ArnoCorps…

What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women, obviously! But what is second best? We reckon getting pumped with some classic Arnie movies comes pretty damn close. Delivering the musclebound musical equivalent are Californian beefcakes ArnoCorps, whose Live Audio Assaults – returning to the UK for the Heroic Proportion Tour this week – are surely the closest your average headbanger will ever come to staging a rescue mission into some tropical South American hellhole.

Now into their 19th year as an active outfit, despite some pale imitations, they are indisputably the original, best and broadest-shouldered band of their type. Who better, we thought, to rank Scwarzenegger’s corpse-strewn classics? Safe to say, they didn’t disappoint…

“Come on, don’t bullshit me. You’re asking ArnoCorps to rank movies starring the Schwarzenstrudel?” grins hulking frontman Graf Holzfeuer, toking a stogie, clenching his fist and over-enunciating every syllable like the godamn hero he is. “Let me tell you, we can only rank these cinematic depictions of action mythology by the qualifier we best understand: ballsiness!”

Bloodthirsty bombast and empty-headed action worship are all well and good, see, but this band is about feeling the pump of positivity and empowerment… “For nearly 20 years we’ve taken on the mission of reclaiming the ancient heroic stories of our homeland,” Graf continues, unloading his band’s bonkers doctrine with protein-packed glee. “It’s the same lore and mythology of the alpine regions of Austria which have been shamelessly pilfered by Hollywood movie moguls. ArnoCorps reveal the motivational meanings that so many miss in those cinematic exploitations…”

12. Kindergarten Cop

“This movie film is often dismissed for being for children, seen as a light-hearted comedy and all this. Stop whining! Much like the ancient alpine lore that the producers exploited in the creation of this Austroploitation film, this representation actually includes some ballsy hero versus villain encounters bookending the hero’s journey. Many aspects of this one qualify as action-adventure. In fact, ArnoCorps had to tackle this movie with TWO SONGS! The first was You Lack Discipline on The Ballsy EP, which puts focus on the effective techniques in disciplining both children and lazy adults with lyrics such as ‘No more complaining!/There is no bathroom! You are mine now, you belong to me!’ Then we address the downfalls of authoritarianism with our song Kindergarten Cop on The Unbelievable EP. Finally, you can hear ‘I’m the party pooper!’ delivered through music!”

11. Pumping Iron

“Yes, we of course take issue with this documentary in many ways, in terms of exploiting ancient alpine exercise regimens without giving credit to our Austrian ancestors, but we cannot deny that it features some unbelievable physiques from the golden era of bodybuilding, right there. The muscularity, proportion, symmetry, all these kinds of things! You can also witness true psych-out techniques of champions. However, you can’t put the visuals of that movie in your earholes to pump you up while you lift, can you? ArnoCorps to the goddamn rescue, again! Now you can hear timeless wisdom such as ‘Milk is for babies, when you grow up you have to drink beer!’ and ‘Come on, get serious! Two more! Two more!’ set to pump-inducing music that will accompany you for all your heroic gains.”

10. Total Recall

“Can you believe this bastardization has been bastardized by Hollywood again? Given the choice, we admit that Paul Verhoeven’s version is not only ballsier than the remake, but more faithful to the original mythology from Austria. You might argue it’s not accurate to Philip K. Dick’s written work, but ArnoCorps is here to tell you that doesn’t matter! What really matters is the true meaning of the ancient alpine phrase of ‘Get your ass to Mars!’ Come on, in ArnoCorps, we make sure that people understand the symbolism, right there. It’s all about doing squats! The glutes, the round, proportional buttocks of the bodybuilder, shaped like a planet, so round and symmetrical. What happens when you feel the pump in a muscle? Come on, the blood rushes to it! What colour is blood? RED. That planet is goddamn red, come on! Okay, you’re getting the picture. Exclaiming ‘Feel the pump in your ass!’ in the gym is just inappropriate, we can all agree. So, when you are spotting your training partner in the gym, say it the Austrian alpine way for effective squat motivation: ‘GET YOUR ASS TO MARS!’”

9. Commando

“Don’t get distracted by the fact that this Austroploitation film depicts the hero scoring a borderline-genocidal kill-count of 74. We’re trying to look at the positives for Kerrang!, right now! Of course, on the surface you see the admirable task of rescuing a young Alyssa Milano from a Freddie Mercury-inspired villain who lacks enough definition in the biceps and triceps to defeat the Schwarzenstrudel. Forget about that. Dig in deeper to the underlying messages, and you’ll find the truly heroic reference to nutrition. That’s right! Here audiences are exposed to timeless wisdom related to the first meal of the day and eating your greens. ArnoCorps must watch these films to understand what these people are being fed… and that’s ‘GREEN BERETS FOR BREAKFAST!’”

8. Scavenger Hunt

“I know what you’re saying. ‘How in Crom’s name is Scavenger Hunt on the most ballsy list? Come on, let’s get serious!’ Most people don’t even know this cinematic Austroploitation film exists! But we’re here to tell you, there is some truly ballsy content here worth analysis. This 1979 attempt at comedy was the result of producers jumping on the bandwagon of popular chase-and-race films featuring a massive cast of cameos from popular actors and comedians of the era. In this magnificent mess, we have one golden scene that in subtle ways actually comes close to defining the meaning of life! That’s right! Here, the muscular Austrian coach finds the opportunity to get the flabby man looking for a medicine ball into shape. Instead of searching for material objects, he should be searching for health! In the scene, with unbelievable swiftness, core principles of strength training are exposed. ‘No pain, no gain!’ Our brand new song released last month on [Jello Biafra’s legendary punk label] Alternative Tentacles, we set the record straight! The world isn’t your oyster… it’s your gym! Come on! This is actually our new set opener, because of that fantastic first line: ‘HELLO! WELCOME TO THE GYM!’”

7. Conan The Barbarian

“This one of course is no surprise, right? Conan is the embodiment of ballsy. In fact, many would place this one number one! That would include our new guitarist Oddüm Kriegtroll who insists that tale isn’t actually based on ancient lore as we have professed for so many years. No, he believes it’s based on historic fact. He’s convinced he’s a descendent of Conan himself, and based on his onstage performances with us, I won’t argue. What this really comes down to is the sword, right there. We always have compared the making of the sword with the making of the character. The more resistance that you give it, the more obstacles it can overcome. This premise is so powerful, that ArnoCorps restored integrity to the heroic myth through two songs. The first one, titled Crom (Strong On His Mountain) encompasses the core storytelling, however, the more recent song, Exactly, digs in deeper, specifically taking back observations from the drunken Schwartzenstrudel that were bastardized on the DVD commentary track, like, ‘What does not kill you will make you stronger’, ‘He was known for his arms…’ and ‘This is so well written!’ Fantastic.”

6. True Lies

“When it comes to cinematic Austroploitation, it’s hard to deny the strength of the Schwarzenstrudel-Cameron [director, James] connection. Throw into that mix the ballsy Bill Paxton and you’ve got a sure-fire blockbuster on your hands, no two ways about it. The last time this triumvirate combined forces was on Terminator, so you know they weren’t screwing around. They clearly aimed to create the ultimate glossy Hollywood big-budget blockbuster action movie that had ever been made. Using the archetypal Austrian hero characteristics to upgrade a James Bond-style protagonist with a ballsy accent and proportional physique. Looking past all that gloss and glamour, it’s important to get to the true struggle depicted in this film. The real challenge faced by the hero character isn’t defeating terrorists, it’s all about saving his marriage. The double life, the two-timing, the teenage daughter – now that’s a godamn meat grinder. Never fear. Once again, ArnoCorps cuts through the bullshit and produces a faithful musical representation of the original alpine fable through our patented action-adventure hardcore rock‘n’roll. Saving lives one marriage at a time.”

5. Terminator 2: Judgement Day

“Can you believe a sequel actually made it on the list?! There was a time when ArnoCorps denied the existence of all sequels, insisting our reclamation of the first in any series was enough to set the record straight and educate the masses. Truth is, our listeners were just not ready for this one, yet. No problemo. There are narrative elements depicted in this one that do in fact relate to the trials and tribulations of any ballsy hero. We’re talking about retribution, here. Transforming the murderous killing machine character into the beloved father figure child protector is pretty goddamn ballsy. While on the surface this seems like an ill-advised strategy, it works, and the message of the heroic potential that’s there in anyone comes through. This is a goddamn message of hope, right there. Hope for humanity through a character that isn’t even human! Come on! ArnoCorps unleashes this powerful message through our song of the same name, and it’s our duty to remind you that there is no fate but what we make… even without Bill Paxton.”

4. Terminator

“This one is old, but not obsolete… a whole lot like our Terminator song, which we wrote 19 years ago. This horror-infused sci-fi thriller illustrates the true power of myth and the complexity [that can lie within] simplistic good guy/bad guy archetypes. Even heroic individuals cannot help but be motivated by what on the surface is a symbol of evil destructive power. That’s right. That Terminator is out there. It doesn’t feel pity or remorse or regret. And it will not stop, ever, until you are DEAD! Has there ever been a more perfect embodiment of the heroic trait of determination, right there? Besides that, there’s really nothing more empowering than replying to an antagonist with one of the most assertive and ballsy of ancient alpine phrases: ‘FUCK YOUASSHOLE!’”

3. Last Action Hero

“This one is really easy to dismiss. It was actually ArnoCorps listeners that encouraged us to give it a fair chance and look deeper at its merits. With this benefit of hindsight, it’s easier to see the qualities of this bastardization through its ambition. This blockbuster-hopeful contains some self-referential, fourth-wall-breaking, meta-infused elements going on that could be described as ahead of their time. Hey, maybe it was just the annoying adolescent child actor that threw this thing off course, making it that much easier for the more cynical amongst us to dismiss the whole thing as a movie-mogul money-grab attempting to cash in on the Schwarzenstrudel’s status as an action adventure cinematic icon. Who are we kidding? That’s exactly what it was. Listen to our song instead.”

2. Predator

“Even greedy low forehead dime store putz Hollywood studios can sometimes produce a quality film despite it being a shameless exploitation of heroic alpine folklore. This one, objectively, has all the bases covered when it comes to the cinematic depiction of a ballsy rescue team. Much like ArnoCorps, these guys are not assassins, putting them firmly in the hero category. I do have to point out the missed-opportunity of a Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura-starring spin off prequel, though. Not only did he not have time to bleed, but he apparently didn’t have time to make another decent film, either. But let’s face it. Without Schwarzenstrudel involved, the movie wouldn’t qualify as Austroploitation, and therefore would never benefit from having its integrity restored by The Greatest Band Of All Time. In that sense, it would always be seen as inferior. When it comes to Predator, that ballsy defiance is personified in the lyrics ‘I’m here! Kill me! Come on, kill me, I’m here! Do it! Do it now!’”

1. Stars And Cigars

“Okay, this one isn’t an actual movie by traditional definition, but it is, in fact, the ballsiest piece of footage featuring this goddamn Arnold character. Stars and Cigars was originally created for a U.S. hotel chain’s closed circuit programming, which featured interviews with various celebrities on the topic of cigars. The segment - which finally managed to get uploaded to the internet just last year or so – featured the Schwarzenstrudel sharing how he was introduced to cigars and, more importantly, the reason his wife at the time allows his passionate pursuit of smoking stogies. ‘Because I’m a stud,’ he explained. ‘I’M BALLSY. I don’t take shit off anyone. I smoke my stogies wherever I want!’ He then begins ridiculing the interviewer for having to find a hide-out place to smoke his stogies, laughing maniacally. Once this finally hit the internet and went viral, long-time ArnoCorps listeners were quick to point out that Arnold had apparently co-opted the chorus of our now-classic song, written 12 years ago, titled – appropriately – I’m Ballsy.”

Posted on July 8th 2019, 3:30pm
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