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10 Questions Every Metalhead Will Be Asked At Thanksgiving (And How To Answer Them)

This Thanksgiving, when your Aunt Bedelia asks you if you worship the Devil, you’ll be ready.

On paper, the American holiday of Thanksgiving is a time for families to come together, break bread, and express gratitude for all the good that’s come their way this year. In reality, Thanksgiving is celebrated by getting stuck in traffic, eating too much, watching football, getting drunk – and if you’re a metalhead, fielding all the stupid questions your extended family have about the music and culture you love.

But what’s most infuriating is that these questions are pretty predictable. Sure, you’ll occasionally get an original one from your cool cousin who’s heard of the Dillinger Escape Plan, but most of the time, metalheads have to navigate the same old song and dance about hair length and Satan, only with the added pressure of not breaking Great Gamgam’s heart and ruining dinner for their entire assembled family.

So to make things easier for everyone this year, here the ten questions every American metalhead will be asked this Thanksgiving, and some easy answers to have on hand. Gobble gobble, motherfuckers.

Q: Is there really any difference between black and death metal?

A: Yeah. It’s the difference between spirit and anatomy, or a priest and a doctor. Black metal sounds ghostly and evil, and it’s all about the soul. Death metal sounds hard and brutal, and it’s all about the body. Black metal dudes come from Scandinavia, and they wear all black and face paint. Death metal dudes are from Florida, and usually look like they’re from Florida.

Q: Does your hair really need to be that long?

A: It doesn’t need to be that long, but I like it that long. It’s a choice, and a sign of my love for heavy metal. Do you need that fourth glass of red wine? No, but you want it, right? Same thing.

Q: Don’t you think those tattoos will look ugly when you’re 80?

A: No, they’ll look blue and faded and gnarly, like I got them while I was young and they’ve aged into a badass with me. Tattoos aren’t about perfect art, they’re points on the map of my life. I’m not afraid of getting old and my body showing it. My soon-to-be-corpse ain’t the Louvre.

Q: Do these guys wear all that make-up and leather during the day?

A: Probably not. But Chris Evans doesn’t walk around dressed as Captain America all day, either, does he? These guys are performers, and you don’t wear your work clothes when you’re at home watching TV. Well, except Watain. They dress like that all the time.

Q: Doesn’t it hurt to sing like that?

A: Only if you don’t know what you’re doing. Those singers do it night after night, though, so they take good care of their throats, and some train professionally. There are even vocal coaches you can go to, who teach you how to do it safely.

Q: Do those guys actually worship the Devil?

A: Some of them do, but it’s sort of a symbolic Devil, who represents freedom and nature. And a lot of them just like the Devil the same way people like Dracula on Halloween. It’s all about having fun and being who you want to be — these dudes just like monsters and dark stuff.

Q: Do…do you worship the Devil?

A: Only on Christmas and Easter.

Q: Come on, you don’t actually like this music, do you? It’s just noise…

A: Beats listening to you complain about it.

Q: But really…the hair?

A: Yeah. The hair. Fuck you, Aunt Bedelia.

Q: Light meat or dark?

A: DARK. ALWAYS DARK.

Posted on November 28th 2019, 9:54am
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