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Welsh Thrash Punks PizzaTramp Review 10 Supermarket Pizzas

We challenged the Caldicot three-piece to sample a trolley full of pizzas and pick an outright winner. Let battle commence.

Welsh trio PizzaTramp have been making “one minute blasts of horrible punk noise” for four years and know a thing or two about Italy’s greatest contribution to the world.

The band – Jimmy No Whammy (guitar/vocals), Sammy Two Cabs (bass/vocals) and Danny Banger (drums) – fired up the oven and set about devouring 10 reasonably priced pizzas, rating them in terms of taste, texture and presentation.

Here, then, are their culinary findings.

Pizzatramp1

Asda Cheese and Tomato Snack Pizza
Jim: “Right, I thought I’d ease my way into this ridiculous challenge with a mini chaser pizza. Cheap and cheerful, these are the ones we used to buy, cook, and then throw at people at our gigs before we realised how much money we were losing. I’ll cut it into thirds.”
Sam: “I don’t want any. I can only eat gluten free pizza.”
Jim: “Well, we have 10 pizzas to review so that hasn’t started well, there’s only one gluten free here. Dan, we’ll go halves.”
Dan: “Where’s the cheese? This isn’t even pizza. It’s warm bread.”
Jim: “That’s exactly right. It’s like hard bread with cheap tomato sauce on it. It all fucking melted when I cooked it. I give it 2Ks.”
Dan: “1K.”
Sam: “Zero Ks.”

Goodfellas Pizza Romano Four Cheese with Cherry Tomatoes and Basil Pesto
Jim: “Now that’s a nice pizza. I’m not a huge fan of thin bases, but that’s nice. If I was a proper food critic on the telly, I’d say those tomatoes are very ‘poppy’ and bring out the pizza’s natural flavours. I’ll give this 4Ks.”
Dan: “That’s a hell of a pizza. Not enough cheese though. Maybe 3 or 4Ks.”
Sam: “Zero Ks. I can’t fucking eat it.”

Dr. Oetker Spinach Base with Broccoli, Mozzarella and Mushrooms
Jim: “It looks and sounds like the most disgusting thing I’ll ever put in my mouth, and that’s saying something.”
Dan: “Sam! It’s a spinach base! You can try it!”
Sam: “I can’t. It’s got wheat flour in it and I could die, but it does look good so I’ll give it 1K for looks.”
Dan: “It says on the box, 43% vegetarian.”
Sam: “It says 43% vegetables, you fucking idiot!”
Jim: “That is rubbish. Who green-lit that thing? Look at the base!”
Sam: “It looks like cardboard when it gets wet.”
Dan: “I was hoping it would be a surprise winner, but it isn’t. A generous 2Ks. Not enough cheese.”
Jim: “1K. Rubbish.”

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Asda Ultra Thin Mediterranean Vegetable Pizza
Jim: “I hate thin-based pizza. I only bought it because there’s only so many pizzas the one supermarket of Caldicot stocks. Well, there’s a Waitrose but we’re an underground punk band with no money. I can’t even afford milk in there. The toppings are OK, but it needs shitloads more cheese though. And I have to knock a point off it because I burnt my hand getting it out of the oven. 2Ks.”
Dan: “It’s actually pretty good, nice vegetables, nice flavours. 3Ks.”
Jim: “So I slagged it off, and burnt my hand, and we still gave more or less the same rating? We should have talked through our scoring system beforehand.”
Sam: “Zero Ks. I can’t eat it.”

Chicago Town Four Cheese Deep Dish Little Pizzas
Jim: “What? You can microwave these” I always ignore them because they’re little. Pizza in four minutes is the dream.”
Dan: “Amazing work by Goodfellas. Not enough cheese, should of gone with six instead of four cheeses. 3Ks.”
Sam: “No Ks. I can’t eat them.”
Jim: “I’ll go for 4Ks. Bonus point for being microwavable.”

Goodfellas Deep Pan Deliciously Cheesy
Jim: “The greatest pizza make I reckon. No-one touches them. We should try and get an endorsement deal. So I’ll give it a 5Ks before I’ve even tried it.”
Dan: “Not enough cheese, and it also loses points for being deep pan. 3Ks. Average at best.”
Jim: “An absolute dream of a pizza. Why do they call the bases ‘pans’ on pizzas though?”

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Asda Cheesy Garlic Bread Pizza
Jim: “It’s garlic bread. And it’s pizza. So basically I could happily live on this alone for the rest of my life. 8/10, because it can’t draw with the last pizza. I don’t want a fucking Asda endorsement deal.”
Dan: “I’m refusing to rate it. I don’t think it classes as pizza, and you shouldn’t have bought it. If we were rating garlic bread, I’d give it a 3Ks. But we aren’t, so I’m not scoring it.”
Sam: “No Ks. I can’t eat it.”

Chicago Town Cheese and Tomato Pizza Subs
Jim: “I genuinely can’t remember if I liked it or not. I did eat it, but I was ranting away at you two about work, and can’t remember. So I’ll have to go 2 and a half Ks, for fairness’ sake.”
Dan: “Proper good pizza. How can you not remember? It was a different shape to the rest, easy to remember. Almost had enough cheese, too. 4Ks.”
Sam: “No score from me. I can’t eat it.”

Findus Pocket Pizzas
Dan: “That’s wicked. High danger factor though, because the cheese is dripping out the end on my leg.”
Jim: “If you let them cool down though, you could actually put them in your pocket for work.”
Dan: “It’s basically a toastie isn’t it? Proper good. 4Ks.”
Jim: “They were good, I was pissed off when we were eating them though because I realised that shit spinach pizza has oozed green slime all over my oven. 3Ks.”
Sam: “I can’t eat them. No Ks.”

Goodfellas Gluten Free Pizza
Jim: “Let’s have a piece of that, then.”
Sam: “You can fuck right off, you’ve just tried nine pizzas in front of me!”
Jim: “Fair enough, how does it taste? What are its best qualities?”
Sam: “It’s pizza that I can eat. As there were no other options, it’s pretty fucking good.”
Jim: “Rating?”
Sam: “Six.

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The Pizzatramp Verdict
Jim: “So the joint winners are the Goodfellas Pizza Romano pizza for me and Dan, although I do feel pizza fatigue had began to set in, and our ratings dropped due to this. Sam’s favourite was the gluten-free one based on taste because it was the only one he ate, and the spinach boff one, based on looks. I personally feel like I am the real winner here, or loser depending on how you look at it. I just managed to successfully get drunk whilst cooking 10 different pizzas: some frozen, some not, of differing styles and cooking times, without burning anything except my hand. Usually, I check on the pizza and it’s frozen, go for a piss and by the time I go back in its on fire.”
Sam: “I would like to add that anyone who eats pizza with a knife and fork should be hung, drawn and quartered. Pizzas are cordless food.”
Dan: “Buy our new record when it comes out.”

Pizzatramp’s album, Revenge Of The Bangertronic Dan Plus 13 Songs, is out now.

Jim’s podcast, Listening To Punk With My Parents is available here.

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