….Aaaaand he’s made a dick. Because of course he has. Ozzy Osbourne giving a snowman a carrot dick should by all rights be hilarious, but somehow isn’t. Whether it’s the way it doesn’t go in properly at once – just film it again, everyone, please, it’s going on television, at least try to make it non-shit – or the extremely convincing horror on Simpson’s face, it’s just a bit uncomfortable, a feeling not helped by Ozzy’s unsteadiness as he nearly falls over nodding.
He might have the best manic grin in all of rock, but he’s not amazing at hanging Christmas decorations, is he? Six full seconds, that took. Just film it again. Have some standards. The ornament is a nice nod to Ozzy’s ever-present crucifix, of course, but if playing with festive versions of iconic elements of the Godfather of Heavy Metal, showing his OZZY knuckle tattoo modified to say XMAS would have totally been better, and only required a Sharpie.
Jessica SImpson drifts away here to reveal that it’s Tony motherfucking Iommi on piano, and the video cuts away as soon as you see him. Everyone involved in this whole fucking thing deserves so much better.
The idea of chivalry is an outdated and often problematic one, but there’s still something that feels slightly ungentlemanly about Ozzy sitting on a sled on extremely flat ground for Jessica Simpson – all 85lbs of her – to drag along. But then there’s also something distressing about a quite frail man falling arse over tit. It’s all been kind of misjudged.