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You Know What? Fuck This Virus

Let’s just all take a deep breath and tell the coronavirus to tongue-kiss Hitler in Hell.

It’s important that the world meet the global coronavirus pandemic with a level head. Panic only leads to irrational behavior; fear only leads to inaction; frustration doesn’t lead anywhere. To come out of COVID-19 relatively unscathed, we must use forethought and take careful, reasonable actions.

But also…fuck this virus. Fuck it right in the corona. Fuck the pain and suffering it’s causing; fuck the hysteria it’s inspiring; fuck the conspiracy-obsessed rumor-mongers; fuck what it’s done to people in Italy, China, and the rest of the globe; and fuck how it’s canceled every tour or festival we’ve all been looking forward to for the foreseeable future. Just as it’s important for us to address this cooly in the long run, it’s also crucial that we take a moment to give COVID-19 the finger and say, “Huff a hot deuce and die, COVID-19. We hope you go fuck yourself COVID-19 ways til next Sunday.”

Watching the ways in which both citizens and artists have told the coronavirus to fuck off forever has been fascinating. From Italians playing Slayer riffs from their balconies to Avenged Sevenfold sending free merch to their quarantined fans, most of the world appears to be united in its desire for this horrible virus to trip down a flight of stairs holding a pot of hot soup. There’s a sense that we’re all in this crazy experience together, except for the coronavirus who wasn’t invited because that guy’s a bozo deluxe.

READ THIS: 13 albums to kickstart the revolution

So if you’re looking for ways to hock a loogie on COVID-19’s shoes, we suggest you try the following methods:

Sing all your favorite music at the top of your fucking lungs

You have a voice, and COVID-19 can’t take that. Put on a record you know like the back of your hand and belt out every chorus as though you were singing it in the shower. Who knows, maybe you’ll finally inspire that balcony singalong you’ve always dreamed of to actually happen.

Have a wild fucking online happy hour with all your best friends

Isolation is a state of mind, and it’s easy to let that shit wear you down. Raising a glass with your buddies — even if it’s in a Google Hangouts session — is a great way to get rid of the doldrums, and will remind you that all is not Mad Max outside of your door. The virus can’t stop your party.

Write a song about this fucking piece-of-shit virus

Enough songs about the love who did you wrong or the government that screws you at every turn — write a song about this fucking piece-of-shit microscopic koosh ball and all the panic it’s causing. Whether punk rock or death metal, grindcore or doom; make it loud and angry, or sad and dulcet, whatever you’re into — just use it as a chance to tell this virus exactly what you fucking think of it.

Blast Rage Against The Machine at full fucking volume

Fuck you, coronavirus, I won’t do what you tell me. If Rage Against The Machine aren’t gonna be able to play as planned, then you’re going to have to make your own show. We only respect one entity who shut down the stock exchange.

Get really fucking good at a new hobby

COVID-19 thinks you’re soft. It thinks you’re going to spend all of quarantine inhaling Cheetos and reading incendiary news pieces. Show that dickzit what’s up by getting super good at the hobby you always wish you had time for. Want to sew a battlejacket? Break out the needles. Always had an idea for a novel? Write that shit. Don’t let the panic stall you — fire up the engines.

Wash your middle fingers until they fucking shine

If you’ve got to wash your hands religiously, wash the most important parts extra-hard. That way, when you give the virus the middle finger, it’ll be a perfectly-sterilized and perhaps slightly cracked or flaky middle finger.

Oh, you wanted this middle finger, COVID-19? Guess what? It’s not for you!

Have a movie marathon full of the most insane shit that’s streaming

There’s some NUTS stuff online right now. Deathgasm and Mandy are both bloody heavy metal free-for-alls. Every single episode of Metalocalypse is streaming for free. Curate yourself a mini-fest of your favorite films and post about it online. Get your friends in on it and MST3K that shit.

Get jacked as fuck

Continuing the hobby point, the ultimate excuse not to exercise is that none of us have the goddamn time. But you know what, now we do, and it’s an easy way to keep the immune system primed. This way, when COVID-19 has finally been somewhat wrangled by health authorities (knock on wood), we can emerge from our grottos with some defined-ass shoulders and relish the look on this bitch-ass virus’s face.

Read Kerrang.com all fucking day

Our app is enabled, our store is online — there’s Kerrang! to be had! If you’ve ever been upset that you’re not totally up-to-date on what your favourite bands are up to, it’s time to do some reading. Spend your isolation the way your teachers and parents told you not to spend your life — laying around reading rock’n’roll magazines! Or listening to podcasts! Or watching crazy live shows! Get involved.

Remember, guys: we’re all in this together. We’re all here for one another. Rock’n’roll is bigger than quarantine. Fuck this virus — you’ve got this.

READ THIS: The show must go on — Here are all the bands livestreaming gigs in the wake of the coronavirus

Posted on March 20th 2020, 5:00pm
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