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"Dear Fucking Lunatic," it begins. "At your recent press conference – more a word salad that had a stroke and fell down stairs, you were CLEARLY so out of your depth you needed scuba gear. Within minutes of going off air your minions were backpedaling faster than Cirque De Soliel acrobats… In India a week ago, I couldn’t get past the bit about your being the most popular visitor in the history of fucking India – a country of a BILLION human souls that’s only 3000 years old, give or take!!! Trust me – Gandhi pulled CROWDS… You pulled a cricket stadium and half WALKED out…
"Do you know how fucking insane you sound, you off-brand butt plug?" it continues. "That's like the geopolitical equivalent of “that stripper really likes me” – only 10,000 times crazier and less self aware."
Other comments and one-liners throughout the letter include, "Do you know how fucking insane you sound, you off-brand butt plug?" "Ninety-nine percent of everything you say is either false, crazy, incoherent, just plain cruel, or a rancid paella of all four," and, "You are a fried dick sandwich with a side of schlongs."