When Rock Merch Goes Too Far
We recently learned that Baltimore pop-punk lads All Time Low are collaborating with Ethika to launch their own line of branded underwear. As you do. Which of course got us thinking about all the other times bands put their name on or to something unconventional (see also: stupid). Sock puppets, condoms, caskets – yes, all somewhat predictably, KISS – there’s pretty much nothing you can imagine that some enterprising noisemakers haven’t slapped a logo on and sold off as an item of merch. Here’s a list of some of the, erm, most memorable.
We pretty much have to start with the masters of merch, don’t we? Did you know that late-Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrell was buried in a KISS kasket? Well, now you do. And hey, if being buried isn’t your idea of afterlife-resting bliss, they also, of course, created a KISS urn. You have to admire that level of ingenuity and dedication to the brand.
Bonus KISS merch wackiness right here…
People really love Weezer don’t they? And people love keeping warm. Combine the two and you have this toasty treat, as warm and comforting as a loving embrace from Rivers Cuomo. Possibly.
This Pantera stroller is perfect for taking your baby for a Walk – perhaps past the Cemetery Gates. Is your kid in Floods of tears, with a screaming Mouth For War? No Good. Fucking Hostile. You feel Slaughtered. “I’m Broken”, you mutter. “I just want 5 Minutes Alone.” Everyone manages though, Regular People do this all the time. Try to find Strength Beyond Strength, and eventually, This Love-ly baby will go to Sleep.
WATERPARKS BODY PILLOW
If the bed ever feels too dang big, and you’d do anything to have someone in there with you to wrap your arms around, and you really like Awsten from Waterparks, boy are you in for a treat. Plus, the pillow has an image of another pillow on it, which is totally meta or something.
SPINAL TAP COLANDER
Not content with making the funniest film in the world, Spinal Tap went ahead and produced the funniest bit of merch in the world as well. The box says it’s a calendar, but open it up and it’s a colander. A note inside apologises for “an irregularity in order fulfillment”. Damn you, Spinal Tap, you’re the best.
We like to think that when marketing bods went to Lemmy with this idea, there was a reasonable chance he said, ‘You can shove that up your arse’. And you know what, like he was with most things - he was right!
SEX PISTOLS CREDIT CARD
Nothing says ‘I am an anarchist’ like a really competitive APR. Don’t just buy one safety pin and one pack of cheap green hair dye at once, you punk n00b! Import huge amounts at wholesale rates, both improving your credit score and and set yourself up as a safety pin/tartan trousers/head-hanky business mogul! Because, after all, what’s more punk than finance? Oh, wait, everything in the world.
Not a lot of people know this, but the original lyrics of Ramones classic Blitzkrieg Bop go ‘Hey! Ho! Let’s go! To the toilet, on ourselves, because we are babies’. More like Blitskrieg Plop! Or Shitzkrieg Plop! Or Shitzkrap Plop! No, that’s stopped working.
Great news for anyone interested in this golden dildified version of Papa Emeritus: it’s on sale. Usually a hundred dollars, it’s been reduced to $64. That’s great, because normally to get a discount like that you have to buy something second hand, but you absolutely don’t want to buy this second hand, you utter monster. If you do, please at least have the wherewithal to boil it sterile.
TENACIOUS D, ERM… RAG
“This is the same size as a golf towel” says the item description helpfully, “But this isn’t a golf towel; it’s a cum rag.”
Well, isn’t that delightful? Probably best we stop right here… Sorry about that. Sorry about everything.
Words: Mike Rampton