The ‘One and Done’ Guy
We’ve all been this person. In the days leading up to the show, you’ve texted friends to see if they want to come with to see a band of 40-something fathers-of-two play the hits you listened to back when you were 13. Unfortunately, zero buddies are willing to sacrifice their Tuesday evening date with Netflix and an M&S ready meal to mosh like it’s 2004. So you go alone - but they're old, they're tired and they're not as good as they used to be.
You want to leave - you've got work in the morning and the band is phoning it in - but you feel bad ducking out without without paying your respects, so you wait for the first song you recognise, throw down in the pit, and as soon as the last note of that song rings out make a beeline for the exit.
The Shirtless Crew Member
Shirts come off depending on the severity of the pit and/or the likelihood that the band will play Bro Hymn. Either way, do not underestimate the guy with his belly out. A man in the pit with his shirt off is more sensible than appearance suggests. Why? Because his top won’t get ripped off by someone who’s quickly getting swallowed up by a sudden churn of flailing limbs. Plus, he’ll have something dry to wear on the bus home.
The ‘2pm Slot at Warped Tour’ Soloist
This dude just listened to the latest Bandcamp release of a brutal mosh-core band out of, I dunno, Pomona, and he’s determined to catch their incredibly early slot at the (surprisingly heavy) Warped Tour.
Someone called XcutsXeveryoneX labelled these guys the ‘new Xibalba!!!1’ in the YouTube comment section, so the 2pm soloist would rather dump his impossibly patient and lovely GF than miss them. He may be one of seven people in attendance, but his enthusiasm and commitment to being down for life means he maintains a pit all of his own.
Head over to Twitter and tell @JackBlocker what type of mosher you are.
Illustrations by Alex Jenkins.